It is My Choice

CHOICES

Why does it become necessary to learn the same lesson twice? Why do I always remember the good and try to overlook the obvious? Why must I have to stay on guard all the time. I am never able to let down my defenses or become relaxed enough to just be myself and feel that is good enough.

Busily I begin each day with the feeling of ‘something’s just not right’ . The thoughts that dominate my movements are almost paralyzing. I am in a universe alone. I am totally in control of what I do. What is it I need to do to shake this feeling of discontent.

Is it possible that I will learn to live life by my self ? What is so scary about that any way? Is it a feeling of being with someone and being yourself. The simple thought of knowing someone else is in the house in case you want to talk to someone. Someone to share thoughts and dreams with. Someone you trust. Someone you can depend on to be there for you. Someone your not taking care of because they are not capable of caring for themselves. Some one to respect and show love to.

It is comforting to realize that I have all these things, they are just scattered out and under many roofs, just not under one, as it used to be. What are my responsibilities as the Matriarch of my family now. Scattered as they are. A clear view of what I want my life to be has yet to come into focus. I am searching my sole and asking God for guidance. My hope is that I wander alone no more. I am capable of being free. It is my choice. It is my choice.